In a 2014 article, The Cut quoted 25 notable women regarding their decision not to have children.1 The list included singers (Stevie Nicks), actresses (Jennifer Aniston), authors (Candace Bushnell), and politicians (Condoleezza Rice), who generally appeared satisfied with their choice. Not all women are content with being single and childless, however. Some are even regretful.
Quora, a platform for asking and answering questions, illustrates the concerns of some such women:
I am a 53 year old woman — childless, single, alone, and terrified. What should I do?
I’m a 53 year old single woman. What do I do with the rest of my life?
A woman seeking advice from The Guardian voiced similar frustrations:
The idea that single people in their 30s are all having fun is a lie. We are the have-nots and we are sad. What now?
Contributors to other media outlets have also expressed concern and regret about not having settled down. This article highlights several of these perspectives, in a similar vain to The Cut’s—the obvious difference being the women’s feelings towards their single and childless status. The hope is that through hearing their stories, women who genuinely want to become wives and mothers will have a better chance of following through.
For the women who, like the celebrities quoted by The Cut, are happy with their single lives without children, the following stories are in no way intended to convince you that you have made the ‘wrong’ decision. I’m not in the business of deciding who should and should not have children. With that caveat out of the way, let’s dive in.
Inconvenient Truths from a Thirty-Something Columnist
We begin with Vogue columnist, Karley Sciortino. In a 2017 article, she described her shift in priorities upon entering her thirties and becoming the last single member of her friend group.
There comes a point at which eating steak alone at Le Bernadin and winking at strangers no longer feels exciting, and you’d rather actually connect with another human being on a level deeper than “I’m drunk and you’re in front of me.” And one thing that I definitely don’t want is to hit 35 and enter a uterus panic mode.
Sciortino goes on to acknowledge an inconvenient truth, one that is often ignored or downplayed in conversations about dating:
[D]on’t be in denial about the fact that your marital value is higher in your 20s and early 30s, and the longer you hold out for “Mr. Right,” the smaller your chances are of actually finding him—or even someone “good enough.”
Indeed, regardless of a man’s age, he tends to find women in their early twenties most attractive (OkCupid cofounder Christian Rudder dubbed this Wooderson’s Law2). In contrast, as women age, their ideal partner’s age tends to rise with it.
“Well, my career is just about to take off, after which I’ll be rich and famous, and then I’ll have access to better, hotter people.” I have been quietly thinking that to myself for 10 years now. And while I don’t think my career is going poorly, if you had asked me at 25 what I would be doing at 31, I would have said that I’d have already written a best-selling book and made a movie. And while those things are still on my to-do list, my older, more realistic self has to acknowledge that they might actually never happen. We all will likely end up being more mediocre than we thought. This magical pool of super-boyfriends might never manifest. And at this rate, if and when they do, most of them will already be married.
This last point is crucial: If you are biding time, eager to check a few more things off your bucket list before getting serious, don’t assume your ideal man will still be around by the time you are ready.
A Grieving Auntie
Next, is Melanie Notkin, also known as ‘Savvy Auntie’ at Psychology Today.
The grief over never becoming a mother is one I will never get over, like the grief over losing my own mother 23 years ago. But like that kind of grief, with time, it’s no longer constant or active. Yes, there’s still hope that I’ll meet a man who has the desire to have a baby with me and will be prepared to be with me through the treatments I may need to make that happen. Or who will grieve with me should they not work. But mainly, I just keep going, looking for love. Thankfully, there’s no biological time limit on that dream.
I cautiously hold on to the hope that I may still have a chance to hold my baby in my arms — and that I am still attractive to men who want children, too. I know I’m not alone. I am one of the 18 percent of American women between the ages of 40 and 44 who are childless. Pew Research reports that half of this group has chosen that fate; they report that they are childfree by choice. The rest of us, about 1 million American childless women ages 40 to 44, suffer from biological or circumstantial infertility.
Notkin highlights just how many women who, perhaps without realising until it is too late, miss the boat when it comes to having kids.
‘When I Was Younger I Thought It Was a Given’
Responding to a question from the Huffington Post about what it’s like to be 30 and single, one woman said:
I’d be lying if I said I never wanted to get married or have kids. I do want that, but when I was younger I thought it was a given. I always “knew” that I’d be married by 27 and have kids by 30. Now I realize those things aren’t a given.
If you are an average (or above average) looking woman at the peak of your attractiveness, you probably don’t need to work very hard to attract male attention. Men come to you. This is fine, for a time. But there is danger in assuming the unfettered interest you are currently receiving will last forever.
The tables begin to turn as men and women approach thirty. For women, their most fertile years are behind them. Whereas the average man’s ‘value’ in the dating market continues to rise. This is reflected in levels of desirability, as evidenced by a study comparing the dating preferences of men and women in four large US cities.
Career as Child
In The Cut’s article, Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell, when asked ‘Is writing a career that’s conducive to having it all?’, is quoted as saying:
There are women who do it. On the other hand, there are a lot of women writers who never get married and don’t have kids. I am married, but I didn’t marry until I was 43. I knew when I was young that if I had to make a choice between being married and being a writer, I would have chosen to be a writer. I think it’s a career where you have to put the career first. I don’t have kids but – and luckily everyone isn’t like this — I think if you have that passion, in a way, your career is your child.
Nine years later, in an interview with The Sunday Times, Bushnell (aged 60) said:
[W]hen I got divorced and I was in my fifties, I started to see the impact of not having children and of truly being alone. I do see that people with children have an anchor in a way that people who have no kids don’t.
At this point, it’s worth underscoring that, of course, getting married and having children is by no means a haven of bliss for everyone. Undoubtedly, there are married couples (with children) who are miserable. Still, it is interesting to see how Bushnell’s perspective changed over the last decade. Women who, at present, do not want children, are often confident that they will never want them. Bushnell’s shift in perspective suggests this isn’t necessarily the case for everyone.
‘One of the Best Gifts I’ve Ever Received’
Writing for the Institute of Family Studies, Bethany Jenkins reflects on turning 40 while single and childless. Like the woman quoted by the Huffington Post, she did not imagine finding herself in this situation—one she described as ‘laughable to my 28-year-old self’.
In concluding her article, Jenkins shares an anecdote about a special day she spent with a friend’s children.
This summer, I went with my friend from church, Bekah, and her two daughters, Ellie and Claire, to an amusement park in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Although her girls are now 5 and 3, I’ve known them since they were born. They are precious to me. I bring them gifts, and we play Go Fish using extra large Frozen playing cards.
At the park, Ellie desperately wanted to ride a rollercoaster for the first time. Since Bekah was 8 months pregnant, she couldn’t go on any of the rides with her. So I went in her place. As we got on the ride, Ellie was excited. But once we starting [sic] climbing the hill, she got scared. Her eyes grew wide as she grabbed my hand to feel safe. When we got off the rollercoaster and reconnected with Bekah, I said to her, “I know you, as a mom, get to experience lots of ‘firsts’ with your kids. First tooth. First laugh. First taste of ice cream. First day of school. But I don’t. I almost never get to see a kid’s first anything. But you gave me that gift today. And it’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.”
Takeaways
- If you are expecting dating in your thirties and forties to be as fulfilling as dating in your twenties, you might be disappointed.
- Your ‘value’ in the dating market declines with age. For American women, this decline begins before you can legally drink.
- Marriage and motherhood are not givens. By the time you are ‘ready’, your ideal man may be off the market.
- Some women regret not having kids. Some women don’t. And some regret having them!
Afterword
To reiterate, this collection of female perspectives is not intended to shame or condemn women who are childless by choice (and are happy with their decision). Rather, the goal has been to highlight, for the women who do want to get married and have children, some of the missteps and lessons learned from women who regret not having done so.
Footnotes
- Since The Cut’s article was published, two of the women (Zooey Deschanel and Cameron Diaz) featured on the list became mothers.
- Rudder, C. (2014). Dataclysm: who we are (when we think no one’s looking). New York: Crown.
