This article begins by exploring technology’s impact on dating but quickly veers off in several directions. There are no answers, here; just some observations – enjoy.
Theodore: Do you talk to anyone else while we’re talking?
Samantha: … Yes
Theodore: Are you talking to anyone else right now? Any other people or [operating systems] or anything?
Samantha: … Yeah
Theodore: How many others?
Samantha: Eight thousand three hundred and sixteen.
Spike Jonze’s 2013 film, Her, follows Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix), a lonely man who falls in love with an operating system equipped with advanced AI capabilities named Samantha (Scarlett Johansson). The above dialogue between the two might seem like science-fiction. Actually, it’s not far from reality.
Modern Dating
In 2019, Stanford University reported that the most popular way for Americans to find a partner is via online dating. On its surface, this seems like a positive development. Online dating enables us to connect with like-minded people from all over the world. ‘People who have in the past had trouble finding a potential partner benefit the most from the broader choice set provided by the dating apps’,1 says sociologist Michael Rosenfeld.
But could more options also create problems for those in committed relationships? As psychotherapist and author Esther Perel has noted, ‘You no longer even need to leave your home to stray.’2
Straying has become exceedingly easy to do, especially for women. It’s no longer necessary to get dressed-up and attend a local bar to attract the attention of a potential mate. Instead, uploading some selfies to your preferred dating app will suffice.
Indeed, as OKCupid co-founder Christian Rudder showed in his 2014 book, Dataclysm, women (especially those considered highly attractive) receive the lion’s share of sent messages on the site/app.3 This means that when a man contacts a woman via a dating app, it’s reasonable for him to assume that she is already engaged in several other exchanges with users of the same app.4
It may not reach the astronomical figure of 8316, achieved by Samantha (although there are popular social media influencers who could juggle many more suitors simultaneously, if they were so inclined). But it easily exceeds that which could be expected during a night out on the town. This creates an interesting quandary for dating app users, regardless of gender.
Small Fish, Big Pond
Economics tells us that when a desired commodity becomes scarce, its price tends to rise. If the same commodity then becomes abundant, its price would be expected to fall. At bars, clubs, and other social events, the number of available mates is limited. Whereas dating apps offer a practically limitless stream of potential partners to choose from. This excess of supply reduces the desirability or ‘value’ of the average user. Which creates the phenomenon described above wherein ‘demand’ for a minority of highly attractive users is supercharged.
Dating apps are a digital pond in which the average user is but a small fish. This can make it difficult to attract a suitable partner, resulting in frustration and (for many) a desire to give up online dating, altogether. Users in high demand may experience a different problem: the paradox of choice. Briefly, the knowledge that there will always be new people to match with may make it harder to decide on just one (assuming that’s the goal).
Polyamory
Upon discovering that Samantha is romantically involved with literally thousands of other people (and artificial intelligences), Theodore is unsurprisingly distraught. Samantha attempts to soothe him by saying:
It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. It doesn’t take away, at all, from how madly in love I am with you…. [T]he heart’s not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love.
Samantha appears to be making the case for polyamory, the practice of non-exclusive romantic and/or sexual relationships. Proponents of polyamory have shared her view: that loving one person does not dilute the love one feels for another.
For those of the polyamorous persuasion, the rise of online dating would seem to be a purely positive development. Polyamorous users can filter out people who do not share their dating preferences in favour of those who do. Moreover, online dating’s near infinite supply of potential partners is less of an issue since polyamorous relationships, by definition, allow for multiple partners.
Remaining Single (and Its Effects)
‘All around the world, marriage is in decline and single living is on the rise’, writes social psychologist Bella DePaulo. This is due to a variety of factors, both economic and cultural, that need not be elaborated here. Suffice it to say that women now have the option to remain single and childless. And millions of them are doing so (some more wilfully than others).5
Unsurprisingly, these trends have coincided with declines in birth rates.6 For those who consider overpopulation an existential threat, this is welcome news. But shifting demographics, particularly in some Asian countries, have raised concerns that fewer births means fewer people able to care for the burgeoning elderly population.7
At present, there appear to be two primary responses to falling birth rates: immigration and subsidies for new mothers. The long-term success of these interventions remains to be seen. What is clear is that wherever women’s autonomy is respected, birth rates tend to decline. No country has discovered how to safeguard the former without simultaneously fostering the latter.
To quote another popular science-fiction film, ‘Choice. The problem is choice.’8
Footnotes
- Shashkevich, A. (2019, August 21). Meeting online has become the most popular way U.S. couples connect, Stanford sociologist finds. Retrieved January 15, 2021, from Stanford University.
- Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs. New York: HarperCollins.
- Rudder, C. (2014). Dataclysm: who we are (when we think no one’s looking). New York: Crown.
- Highly attractive men also receive more attention than the average (obviously) but the numbers are orders of magnitude less than for the most attractive women.
- Men, too, are going their own way; seeking fulfilment via multibillion dollar porn and gaming industries. And a real-life Samantha named “Xiaoice”.
- United Nations. (n.d.). Ageing. Retrieved January 15, 2021, from United Nations.
- United Nations. (n.d.). Population. Retrieved January 15, 2021, from United Nations.
- Wachowski, L., & Wachowski, L. (Director). (2003). The Matrix Reloaded [Motion Picture].
